A few weeks ago a group of moms from my son's school sat around a kitchen table, drank coffee, ate a yummy brunch spread, enjoyed the gracious hospitality of the same amazing mom who hosts us semiannually and stuffed cash in envelopes for the school staff appreciation project. Twice a year we ask parents to pool their cash gifts for the staff who work so hard all year long with our children. We ask a different parent to collect the money each time. Donors and the amount of their gift remain confidential. Usually two thirds and sometimes three quarters of the families participate with cash donations. We never know the circumstances faced by our families. We just ask that all participate by at least contributing good thoughts and prayers. These parents sitting around the table also are many of the core group who work so hard to make our parents association upcoming annual wine and cheese silent action fundraiser a success. Each of us is raising a child severely challenged with autism yet we find a way to pool our talents and resources for the benefit of all of the children at school. Each of us has her own story we readily share with one another because we know that sharing our challenges makes the journey just that bit easier for the rest. We share a special bond and kinship. Unlike our friends who aren't raising children with special needs, these friends actually understand our challenges because we all are on similar journeys.
Talk that morning got around to the tragedy in Newtown, CT as it had just happened the week before. Interestingly none of us mentioned being worried about the safety of our own children that Friday morning. It could be because tragedy already struck our school community, we know that the school staff will do everything possible to keep our children safe. A few years ago one of our parents committed suicide by driving over the side of a mountain with his seven year old son in the car. Both died upon impact. No one in our school community, including his family and the school staffers who also worked with the child in his home, had a clue that this parent would do that. We all were shaken to the core, especially the school staff, but we came together as a community to support one another as the staff grieved the loss of this magical, beloved child and helped our children deal with the death of their classmate and friend. This experience further showed us how truly blessed we are that our children attend this school where the staff treats them as family. It also reminded us how fleeting and totally unpredictable life can be; as if we need a further reminder.
As parents our hearts went out to the parents of all of those who died in this tragedy. However, as parents raising children with special needs, the parents of the shooter also were included in our thoughts. Those of us sitting around that table were less likely than others to judge his parents as none of us had walked in their moccasins. Unlike the author of the blog entitled I am Adam Lanza's Mother, none of us around that table is raising a child faced with similar issues. We are well aware though what it is like for our children to receive inadequate medical care and services for which we spend countless hours and energy navigating "the system" to procure because at least some treatment is better than none at all.
Today we still have no idea why the Newtown tragedy occurred. We don't know what, if anything, could have been done to prevent it. We do know that like the last year's Tucson shooter, the recent Portland shooter & the Colorado shooter, the Newtown shooter had private health insurance that covered Behavioral Health treatment. Why treatment wasn't accessed or if accessed why it wasn't effective remains a mystery, although knowing what I do about the availability and adequacy of our private and publicly financed Behavior Health systems, I can't say I am surprised. I still don't have any easy answers or quick public policy fixes to suggest. I don't think arming school teachers or placing an armed guard, even with proper training, in every school in the nation is the answer. Guns always have scared me and I refuse to allow them in my home. I don't know if violent video games, divorce, bad parenting, the destruction of the nuclear family, the decline of organized religion or the increase of political vitriolity contributed to these situations. All I know is that a few weeks ago 28 people died needlessly and despite similar recent incidents, we still have no clue.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
Enjoying Holiday Traditions
In our home 1998 is known as the year we experienced the Christmas Season while living in Germany, met friends in Rome for Christmas, attended Midnight Mass said by Pope John Paul II at St. Peter's Basilica, enjoyed Christmas Dinner that evening at the Hassler Restaurant overlooking all of Rome thanks to the generosity of our friends, then spent 10 glorious days touring Italy and I caught the Advent Wreath on fire. Wanting to celebrate a German Christmas as authentically as possible, along with trips to the Christkindlmarkt in Munich, Nuremberg and Bamburg, I visited our local 99 Pfenning Store (one of my favorite universal shopping experiences) to discover that many Germans assembled Advent Wreaths by attaching taper candle holders to a pine wreath. We lit our Advent Wreath for the last time that 4th Sunday of Advent as we spent a quiet afternoon anticipating our upcoming trip. Luckily my husband quickly noticed that as the hot wax burned way down it hit the dry pine and burst into flame. No permanent damage was done except to my pride, but 15 years later my husband still lovingly reminds me of that time I lit the Advent Wreath on fire.
A few weeks ago we decided our son was ready for us to resume the tradition of lighting an Advent Wreath. Waiting is a major challenge for him but he is making progress. We probably still have a metal Advent Wreath (our stateside replacement) and the German taper holders packed away with the breakable Christmas decorations we haven't seen since moving to AZ a decade ago, but rather than digging through long unopened boxes I visited the $1 Store. I bought 4 short pillar candles, (3 red and 1 white; they didn't have green in the German tradition or pink and purple either) and a tin plate decorated with a poinsettia picture. I completed the Advent Wreath with a flourish of double sided green and red satin ribbon from seasons past.
Last Sunday we lit 1 red candle. Our son didn't understand why we couldn't light the other 3 and was persistent in his insistence but maintained his self control. As a compromise we also lit an "everyday" pillar candle (we don't often light candles as we worry about safety) and he accepted the solution without major protest. Last night we lit the same red pillar along with a 2nd red one. We explained that it was the 2nd Sunday of Advent (my husband complimented his explanation by again showing our son the lit candles he drew for each Sunday on our wall calendar). In our house this is progress!
This weekend our son helped my husband put 2 strings of lights across the front of our house (for now the Santa and Friends Carousel for our front yard remains in the garage). We do just enough to participate in the festivities. Like most Phoenicians, over the next several weeks we'll enjoy evening drives exploring local neighborhoods searching for all the outdoor light displays.
Next week I'll spend a few days baking biscotti as gifts for friends. In my previous life I used to bake and give away over 500 cookies along with homemade ornaments. Courts aren't allowed to accept gifts and the judges before whom I practiced were sticklers for ethics. However, even they couldn't turn away a tray of homemade cookies for their staff especially when delivered Christmas Eve morning because I was there obligated to appear on behalf of my clients. Having the uninterrupted time to bake is a luxury for me and reminds me of those holidays past. It is a tradition to which I stubbornly cling and savor as I've had to let go of so many other holiday traditions that proved just too overwhelming given the needs of our son.
The weekend before Christmas we'll put up our tree with nonbreakable ornaments plus some other Christmas decorations including our son's Little People Nativity Compound (the wise guys weren't included in the Nativity Set and there was a deal if you also bought the Inn Set plus the Little Drummer Boy Set was only an extra $10) along with the silver figurine Nativity Set my brother and sister-in-law sent us our 1st Christmas in this house. They knew our son wasn't ready for us to display the hand painted ceramic set I originally gave to my mother in 1980. Even though our son has made amazing progress over the past few years, my mother's Nativity Set will remain in the box for at least another year.
We've learned to keep our holiday celebrations simple so as not to overload our son. We joke that we celebrate 12 Days of Christmas because even though we limit the number of his gifts, so far our son doesn't want to open all of his gifts on Christmas morning and we don't push him. There is no universal rule we choose to acknowledge that says he must. Our number one priority is for our son to enjoy the celebration so we just let go of what really isn't important and follow his lead.
Christmas Eve we'll celebrate with friends who over the years have become family, even though it isn't their holiday. They are Jewish and annually we share Passover with them even though it isn't our holiday. When we lived in Texas we shared our holiday celebrations with friends who happened to be Muslim and Hindu and they too invited us to their holiday celebrations. This year we'll spend the afternoon enjoying appetizers catered by Costco, Trader Joe's, Safeway and Fry's (including latkes & lox) rather than the big sit down fish dinners of my previous life in very Italian American East Utica. We'll light the Advent Wreath for our guests to enjoy along with having a roaring fire in our gas fireplace. We hope this year our son will be interested in learning to spin the dradle one of our friends brought him last year when Hanukkah and Christmas fell on the calendar together.
By necessity for our son we try to keep our celebrations as stress free and relaxed as possible, but the spirit always remains the same. It's all about celebrating with family!
A few weeks ago we decided our son was ready for us to resume the tradition of lighting an Advent Wreath. Waiting is a major challenge for him but he is making progress. We probably still have a metal Advent Wreath (our stateside replacement) and the German taper holders packed away with the breakable Christmas decorations we haven't seen since moving to AZ a decade ago, but rather than digging through long unopened boxes I visited the $1 Store. I bought 4 short pillar candles, (3 red and 1 white; they didn't have green in the German tradition or pink and purple either) and a tin plate decorated with a poinsettia picture. I completed the Advent Wreath with a flourish of double sided green and red satin ribbon from seasons past.
Last Sunday we lit 1 red candle. Our son didn't understand why we couldn't light the other 3 and was persistent in his insistence but maintained his self control. As a compromise we also lit an "everyday" pillar candle (we don't often light candles as we worry about safety) and he accepted the solution without major protest. Last night we lit the same red pillar along with a 2nd red one. We explained that it was the 2nd Sunday of Advent (my husband complimented his explanation by again showing our son the lit candles he drew for each Sunday on our wall calendar). In our house this is progress!
This weekend our son helped my husband put 2 strings of lights across the front of our house (for now the Santa and Friends Carousel for our front yard remains in the garage). We do just enough to participate in the festivities. Like most Phoenicians, over the next several weeks we'll enjoy evening drives exploring local neighborhoods searching for all the outdoor light displays.
Next week I'll spend a few days baking biscotti as gifts for friends. In my previous life I used to bake and give away over 500 cookies along with homemade ornaments. Courts aren't allowed to accept gifts and the judges before whom I practiced were sticklers for ethics. However, even they couldn't turn away a tray of homemade cookies for their staff especially when delivered Christmas Eve morning because I was there obligated to appear on behalf of my clients. Having the uninterrupted time to bake is a luxury for me and reminds me of those holidays past. It is a tradition to which I stubbornly cling and savor as I've had to let go of so many other holiday traditions that proved just too overwhelming given the needs of our son.
The weekend before Christmas we'll put up our tree with nonbreakable ornaments plus some other Christmas decorations including our son's Little People Nativity Compound (the wise guys weren't included in the Nativity Set and there was a deal if you also bought the Inn Set plus the Little Drummer Boy Set was only an extra $10) along with the silver figurine Nativity Set my brother and sister-in-law sent us our 1st Christmas in this house. They knew our son wasn't ready for us to display the hand painted ceramic set I originally gave to my mother in 1980. Even though our son has made amazing progress over the past few years, my mother's Nativity Set will remain in the box for at least another year.
We've learned to keep our holiday celebrations simple so as not to overload our son. We joke that we celebrate 12 Days of Christmas because even though we limit the number of his gifts, so far our son doesn't want to open all of his gifts on Christmas morning and we don't push him. There is no universal rule we choose to acknowledge that says he must. Our number one priority is for our son to enjoy the celebration so we just let go of what really isn't important and follow his lead.
Christmas Eve we'll celebrate with friends who over the years have become family, even though it isn't their holiday. They are Jewish and annually we share Passover with them even though it isn't our holiday. When we lived in Texas we shared our holiday celebrations with friends who happened to be Muslim and Hindu and they too invited us to their holiday celebrations. This year we'll spend the afternoon enjoying appetizers catered by Costco, Trader Joe's, Safeway and Fry's (including latkes & lox) rather than the big sit down fish dinners of my previous life in very Italian American East Utica. We'll light the Advent Wreath for our guests to enjoy along with having a roaring fire in our gas fireplace. We hope this year our son will be interested in learning to spin the dradle one of our friends brought him last year when Hanukkah and Christmas fell on the calendar together.
By necessity for our son we try to keep our celebrations as stress free and relaxed as possible, but the spirit always remains the same. It's all about celebrating with family!
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