Parents Like Us

A few weeks ago a group of moms from my son's school sat around a kitchen table, drank coffee, ate a yummy brunch spread, enjoyed the gracious hospitality of the same amazing mom who hosts us semiannually and stuffed cash in envelopes for the school staff appreciation project. Twice a year we ask parents to pool their cash gifts for the staff who work so hard all year long with our children. We ask a different parent to collect the money each time. Donors and the amount of their gift remain confidential. Usually two thirds and sometimes three quarters of the families participate with cash donations. We never know the circumstances faced by our families. We just ask that all participate by at least contributing good thoughts and prayers. These parents sitting around the table also are many of the core group who work so hard to make our parents association upcoming annual wine and cheese silent action fundraiser a success. Each of us is raising a child severely challenged with autism yet we find a way to pool our talents and resources for the benefit of all of the children at school. Each of us has her own story we readily share with one another because we know that sharing our challenges makes the journey just that bit easier for the rest. We share a special bond and kinship. Unlike our friends who aren't raising children with special needs, these friends actually understand our challenges because we all are on similar journeys.

Talk that morning got around to the tragedy in Newtown, CT as it had just happened the week before. Interestingly none of us mentioned being worried about the safety of our own children that Friday morning. It could be because tragedy already struck our school community, we know that the school staff will do everything possible to keep our children safe. A few years ago one of our parents committed suicide by driving over the side of a mountain with his seven year old son in the car. Both died upon impact. No one in our school community, including his family and the school staffers who also worked with the child in his home, had a clue that this parent would do that. We all were shaken to the core, especially the school staff, but we came together as a community to support one another as the staff grieved the loss of this magical, beloved child and helped our children deal with the death of their classmate and friend. This experience further showed us how truly blessed we are that our children attend this school where the staff treats them as family. It also reminded us how fleeting and totally unpredictable life can be; as if we need a further reminder.

As parents our hearts went out to the parents of all of those who died in this tragedy. However, as parents raising children with special needs, the parents of the shooter also were included in our thoughts. Those of us sitting around that table were less likely than others to judge his parents as none of us had walked in their moccasins. Unlike the author of the blog entitled I am Adam Lanza's Mother, none of us around that table is raising a child faced with similar issues. We are well aware though what it is like for our children to receive inadequate medical care and services for which we spend countless hours and energy navigating "the system" to procure because at least some treatment is better than none at all.

Today we still have no idea why the Newtown tragedy occurred. We don't know what, if anything, could have been done to prevent it. We do know that like the last year's Tucson shooter, the recent Portland shooter & the Colorado shooter, the Newtown shooter had private health insurance that covered Behavioral Health treatment. Why treatment wasn't accessed or if accessed why it wasn't effective remains a mystery, although knowing what I do about the availability and adequacy of our private and publicly financed Behavior Health systems, I can't say I am surprised. I still don't have any easy answers or quick public policy fixes to suggest. I don't think arming school teachers or placing an armed guard, even with proper training, in every school in the nation is the answer. Guns always have scared me and I refuse to allow them in my home. I don't know if violent video games, divorce, bad parenting, the destruction of the nuclear family, the decline of organized religion or the increase of political vitriolity contributed to these situations. All I know is that a few weeks ago 28 people died needlessly and despite similar recent incidents, we still have no clue.