In Defense of Marriage

September 5th is our 15th wedding anniversary. The traditional gift is crystal. To tell the truth, I'm hoping my husband has my diamond reset into an anniversary ring. I'm sick of wearing 2 rings (it's irritating when they rub together) and like many women, I think I'm ready to move from yellow to white gold; maybe add a sapphire (my favorite stone) to either side. It's funny because I'm not really a jewelry person. In my previous life I wore rings, a watch, necklaces and bracelets daily with my suits but jewelry just doesn't fit with my current life. 

When my husband bought my diamond the clerk told him that 1/3 carat was a wonderful starter ring. My husband laughed and explained that the clerk obviously didn't know me. I sent my husband to the jeweler with a strict budget (I still can't imagine spending too much for a rock I wear on my finger) and what I think is the ideal size (I didn't want it too big because I wanted to wear it 24/7). I have no intention of ever trading up diamonds or husbands. As a matter of fact, it took me 9 months of being engaged before I was even ready for a diamond. My original engagement ring is a simulated sapphire he bought at Sam's Club. I fell in love with the ring (he didn't think it was expensive enough) then dragged him to a dozen jewelry stores looking for something I liked better but to no avail. I wanted what I wanted. My mother gave him a hard time that the first ring wasn't a diamond and demanded he put a diamond on my finger before my wedding shower so he did and by then I finally was ready to wear it.

According to the US General Accounting Office there are 1,138 benefits of marriage in Federal Law (http://www.gao.gov/new.items/d04353r.pdf). Each state also confers legal benefits of marriage. While I certainly am not worried about the health of my marriage, reality is that those Federal and AZ State benefits of marriage protect me. Living in a Community Property State my husband can't just walk away with our assets (not that he would) regardless of whose name is on the title. BTW, our only single titled asset is his truck and he's welcome to it. Circumstances early on in our marriage (we wanted children and my biological clock was ticking loudly) made the most sense that we make decisions that promoted my husband's career. It was a foreign country, two states and landing on the opposite coast before we settled here in the desert for the past decade. Given the needs of our son combined with my husband's wonderful ability to make enough money to support us at the level to which I am entitled to become accustomed (before we were married my husband was told by the Most Rev. James M. Moynihan, the 9th Catholic Bishop of Syracuse, that this is his marital obligation), I have yet to resume my career. However, this leaves me economically vulnerable. 

After a decade of advising clients, I did not take my own advice. I did the exact opposite. We immediately commingled all assets and debts. I used the inheritance from my grandmother (Gram would approve) to help purchase our home. I have no separate account "just in case." I am not employed. I even took his last name. It was important to him and there was no economic benefit to keep my established professional name as I had already closed my law practice and left my hometown. A decade in Family Court and a lifetime observing my parents and grandparents taught me that in the most successful marriages, both partners are "all in." It is a partnership where everyday both parties have everything to lose and everything to win together. Fifteen years ago we held hands and jumped off the cliff together into the great unknown. Despite ignoring my own professional advice, it was the best decision I ever made. Maybe what set me apart from my clients is that I entered marriage with my eyes wide open and the knowledge that no matter what comes our way, I retain the ability and the drive to support us. A dozen years ago when my husband was laid off for a year after the Dallas Telecom Corridor melted, I took a part time evening/weekend job while he retrained and spent his days looking for work. Today our circumstances are very different. Luckily we survived the Great Recession without a layoff. After a decade of volunteering in the disability community I have established a strong local professional network and can restart my career whenever we choose.

In June the US Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act opening the door to the legalization of same sex marriage. This decision doesn't deminish the advantages to my marriage of those 1,138 Federal legal benefits or of the AZ State conferred legal benefits of marriage. We retain the same exact legal protections. What it does is extend those 1,138 Federal legal benefits of marriage to a previously excluded group of people who, like us, love one another and are committed to be "all in" everyday with each partner having everything to lose and everything to win. Like the majority of Americans, gay marriage is personal to me. For the past 15 years I've watched my brother-in-law struggle to find the right someone with whom to share his life. Now when he finally does, he is entitled the same 1,138 Federal legal protections as his brother and me.